As much as we'd like to believe otherwise, marriage is not a shield against infidelity. Even good and loving marriages can find themselves in this situation. In fact, approximately 45% of married men and 35% of married women report having physically or emotionally cheated on their spouse. Once infidelity occurs, trust is shattered. However, it doesn't have to permanently remain that way. With an experienced and dedicated marriage counselor, a broken marriage can be healed.
Why Do Married Individuals Have Affairs?
Often the first thing an injured partner wants to know is why. Why did their spouse cheat? Why did they betray their trust? While any excuse won't wave away the anger and disbelief that's been created in the relationship, it can often create feelings of understanding. Hopefully, this can help to open a dialogue and have each partner look deeper at their relationship and work on healing not only the wounds of the infidelity but possibly lingering hurts or feelings that made the cheating spouse feel they had to find an emotional or sexual connection outside of the relationship.
Trauma
The fears and insecurities developed in childhood and later as an adult often stay buried in the brain until properly dealt with. When they aren't, it can cause the individual to self sabotage important relationships.
For instance, the fear of abandonment because a parent left or was emotionally absent can drive someone to cheat because subconsciously they believe their spouse is going to eventually leave them. This can often stem from a fear of having people they loved in the past hurt them so the individual seeks out affairs as a way of not becoming emotionally dependent on anyone.
Poor Self Esteem
When an individual hasn't addressed personal insecurities, it can result in a lack of self love or self respect. When someone is incapable of loving themselves, it's often difficult for them to show or accept healthy love to others.
Instead, they usually seek out external validation and attention (even if superficial) to feel desired. If their spouse isn't capable of providing the amount needed, they might feel they need more individuals to feel ok. In some instances, the cheating might stem from not feeling worthy of their partner's love, so they seek to reject them before they can be rejected.
Emotional Distance or Neglect
Married couples have a tendency to wane and wax over time. The physical and emotional connections that tie the couple together can take a backseat to the daily rigor of work and family life. The predictability and familiar routines can cause the individuals to drift apart. Cheating can offer a way to add some excitement and spark back to the person's life and give them back the sense of connection they were losing with their spouse.
Unhealthy Sexual Behavior
It's not uncommon for individuals to conflate sex with feelings of being loved and desired. While a healthy sexual relationship should add to these feelings, it shouldn't be the basis for them. When a person requires sexual activity to satisfy desire or relieve negative emotions, the act can become compulsive. If someone is living with this type of addiction, it can cause them to cheat repeatedly or develop multiple relationships.
Self Deception
Everyone lies to themselves to some degree. However, when the painted image presented to the world does not come close to the inner reality, it begins to create a cognitive dissonance. The person may tell themselves their spouse does not understand them, and in reality after all the lying, they may not. Cheating may start as a way to find some solace and peace outside of the facade they've created. However, it often results in another mountain of lies that's waiting to avalanche.
Unresolved Conflict
Conflict avoidance often builds tension and contempt in a marriage. Instead of having the conversation or dealing with the issue that's troubling them, the conflict avoidant partner buries it down often to the point of becoming intolerable. Instead of dealing with their partner, they look for a connection outside of the marriage. The problem is this will eventually only add to the conflict they are trying to avoid.
Anger
Often, unresolved emotional pain drives infidelity. An affair presents an opportunity for the individual to avoid dealing with the dissatisfaction, neglect, or conflict the person may have with their spouse. As either an act or revenge or passive aggressiveness, the affair becomes a knowing or unintentional way of hurting their spouse.
Weak Boundaries
Each relationship has its own unique set of boundaries. The biggest for most is that in a committed, monogamous marriage there are no sexual relationships with other people. That is a clear boundary line. However, the problem arises when a couple doesn't clarify what they expect from one another, and many times, this can open the door to emotional affairs. Sometimes, a simple text or online chat can evolve into a deeper situation and the offending spouse may begin to hide communications with a friend or co-worker, which can lead to a more intimate relationship.
How Does Marriage Counseling Help with Infidelity?
It is crucial to address the needs of both partners. If these needs are unaddressed, there is little hope for the marriage. If the couple does not go to a competent marriage counselor, there is only a 20% chance of the marriage surviving.
My approach seeks to meet the deepest needs of each partner. It draws on the strength, insights, and wise solutions of each partner. My strengths come from being trained by the best marriage counselor in the world. My opinion is that Michele Weiner Davis is the best. I also draw from 57 years of my extremely happy marriage. Dr. Sue Johnson's emotionallly focused marriage, Dr. Harville Hendrix's Imago Therapy, and Dr. John Gottman's research-based method.
If you are a couple struggling after infidelity know this: 80-90% of couples crippled by infidelity not only survive but go on to a fantastic marriage! Many say that it is better than it ever was. This normally takes 8-18 months of focused attention to the marriage through marriage counseling. Many couples also desire a safety net for the next 2-10 years.
So, you can make infidelity a turning point rather than an ending. Ready to start the healing process? Reach out! I am here to walk through it with you.
Kent R. Brand, MSW, LCSW, PIP
Marriage Counselor